New Year's resolutions: Destination, failure?

Here's a little column that I wrote for the newspaper I work for. I figured since I wrote it anyway, I might as well post it.

Every year, millions of Americans decide that the beginning of the New Year is the perfect opportunity to make some much-needed changes in their lives. They vow that this year is the year they are going to lose some weight, become a better person, or stop spending so much money. Most of those people even have every intention of following through with their plan.

I’ve been there many times before. A couple of years ago, I decided that I was going to stop eating so many sweets. I wrote my goal down just before the clock struck midnight, ringing in the New Year. But ten minutes later, a bowl of M&Ms sitting on the counter started calling my name, and that was the end of that resolution.
Most Americans are in the same boat as I am. Research shows that half of the people who make New Year’s resolutions have given them up by June. Although results vary, most surveys put the final mark of failure to keep resolutions right up around 90%.
A top ten list of the most popular New Year’s resolutions includes the following resolutions: Spend more time with family and friends, start exercising, lose weight, learn to enjoy life, quit smoking or drinking, and get out of debt.

While this list is admirable, the simple fact is that most New Year’s resolution setters are destined to fail. So, in an effort to stem the tide of this great tradition of failure, I’ve decided that this year I’m going to set some resolutions that I will actually be able to keep. Here are my top ten New Year’s resolutions for 2006.

10. Get out of bed every day, unless I’m tired or sick, or just feeling lazy.
9. Increase the hours of television that I watch every week to 45. There are a lot of good shows out there that I’ve been missing.
8. Cook less, microwave more. Homecooked meals are too much work. Besides that, food tastes better when it has time to soak in all those radioactive fumes that are emitted when you zap those little plastic containers that microwave dinners come in.
7. Do my part to help the environment by showering a maximum of three times each week.
6. Pick up an annoying habit. I’m debating between biting my nails, becoming proficient on the kazoo, or learning to talk like Fran Drescher.
5. Unorganize all of my drawers. Everything just ends up in a big pile on the floor anyway.
4. Spend more money. What’s the point of saving when you can borrow?
3. Exercise less. It’s pretty much a waste of time and energy.
2. Forget all the useless things that I learned in high school and college. Who cares if pi is equal to r squared? Stupid facts like those are just wasting valuable space in my brain.
1. Relax more and stop worrying if the clothes I’m wearing are dirty or clean. Personal hygiene is so overrated!
With resolutions like these, I’m guaranteed to succeed. I may not succeed with much style, but at least I’ll succeed. And next New Year’s Eve when the clock strikes midnight, that’s more than most of you will be able to say.